Life and Laughter

Good Riddance Day

As the debate rages about when this long decade actually ends, I just want to make sure 2009 is well behind me. Although lots of good things happened in 2009 (I got remarried, we bought a dog, the kids got older) lots of stressful things happened, too (I got remarried, we bought a dog, the kids got older). In late December, I was watching my favorite non-news morning program when I saw people in New York celebrating Good Riddance Day: a day set aside to say "so long" to the annoyances of the year. Celebrants brought documents, photos and other mementos to throw in the giant Good Riddance Shredder which changed all those bad relationship choices, loser sports teams and negative bank statements into confetti.

I can think of many things I'd like to forget from the past year: thigh-high boots, Somali pirates and any apocalyptic movie are a few things that come to mind—and enough with the harem pants and plaid fabrics already. It's like being invaded by MC Hammer-inspired Scottish overlords.

But even though I might have a few regrets from 2009, I'm sure there are people who wish they could erase the year like an Etch-o-Sketch.

Take, for instance, Kanye West and his loud mouth. If Kanye yells into a microphone in the forest and no one hears him, does it still get over-reported in the news? Add Lady Gaga to that list. If she really wanted to shock society, she'd wear a turtleneck and a pair of jeans. And I'm sure Tiger Woods has a few things to shred on Good Riddance Day. The man went from being a golf legend to a late-night punch line in 0 to 5 seconds flat.

Politicians in 2009 had tons of fodder for the Good Riddance Shredder. Remember the new "transparency in government" policies that were quickly covered with new anti-transparency legislation? Or how about our non-reaction to North Korea's Sister City missile program? And what do you get when you cross a helicopter, a moose, big hair and Tina Fey? It's the new reality show "That's Sarah Palin!"

As for movies, while 2009 brought us "Star Trek" and "Up," it also brought us another Pink Panther sequel, "Ninja Assassin" and "Final Destination 4." Good Riddance to all bad movies in 2009! And Good Riddance to mass media for creating mayhem in relation to the Swine Flu, the government's health care plan, financial fiascos, Octomom and the balloon boy.

More Good Riddance to all the political sex scandals, the teacher-student sex scandals, any celebrity sex scandal and obnoxious talk show hosts (involved in) and discussing sex scandals. No more references to "Hiking the Appalachian Trail" or "Taking a trip to Argentina." And no more awkward Viagra commercials while watching TV with the kids—or the parents.

Let's focus instead on the great things that happened in 2009. Like. . .um. . .well. Oh, here's one: For all you Christians concerned about your pet's well-being after you're whisked away during the Rapture, a company has started a Rapture Pet Service for those four-legged friends left behind. I guess the owners don't consider themselves Rapture material. Do you want someone who isn't Rapture quality watching Fido?

Let's see. Other good things:

I wasn't eaten by a mountain lion last year. My children weren't abducted by aliens (at least I can't prove they were). I didn't grow an extra finger on my forehead. And who could have predicted Snuggies?

Last February, doctors developed a pill to help erase bad memories. Kind of creepy, but after 2009 (and the long nameless decade--whether or not it ends this year) maybe it's just best to forget and move on.